It's very complicated

5/11/2021

My feelings on my situation are very complicated.

It is a combination of caring about her and wanting to stay married. It is about knowing that I made mistakes in the marriage and wanting to make things right. It is feeling good about how I've changed, and wanting her to trust those changes are here to stay.

She has always been truthful with me and I believe she has regret for that night.

But I have a lot of hurt; hurt from the adultery, from her passive indifference to the adultery, and for pain that she has caused me.

I don't blame her at all for wanting me to make amends for my past behaviors, but I feel like she gave that up when she committed adultery.

I have a lot of confusion as to why she would tell me about the sex, tell me she loves me and wants to stay married, but then pretty much abandon my needs for healing. I likely would have never found out about the adultery, or maybe I would have, but she chose to come clean and tell me on her own, and I give her credit for that. But then why not help to fix it?

I have a lot of guilt and shame for not being as good a husband as I was called to be, and wanting to make that right to show myself I'm the man I'm supposed to be.

I acknowledge that she has avoided triggers and put away reminders. Her treatment of me is generally kind.

I feel powerful in a way; I have decided to not think about the financial impact to divorce (it would be significant for me). Understanding what it could mean and still face the worst case scenario is empowering.

I'm very hurt that she hasn't been willing to make changes that will help be a healing force in the marriage.

I feel like I don't know her. The Wife I knew is just like me. She would never, ever go outside the marriage, not to talk, not for anything. This Wife isn't her.

I feel abandoned that she makes no effort to get informed about adultery, the stages of healing, to learn of my pain, to try to identify with it, to show empathy for my hurt. I would love for her to read an article, and then tell me about what she read, and ask how I feel about it.

I feel like I'm not entitled to feeling betrayed, like I mistreated her first, and so this adultery is something I must just ignore and get over. It is a horrible feeling that I'm not able to do that.

It's very complicated.

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